sex life in ruins

Are Fantasies Ruining Your Sex Life?

FANTASIES ARE EVERYWHERE, THE NEW BLACK!

WHAT ARE YOUR FANTASIES?

WHO IS IN YOUR FANTASIES?

The dictionary says fantasies are:

  • imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained.
  • the forming of mental images, especially wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing.
  • a mental image, especially when unreal or fantastic; vision: a nightmare fantasy.

By now we have all heard of the secret – manifest your life, visualise your life and make it real. We seem to get that visualising, thinking about and imagining our new car, house, bank balance – creates it, brings it to life and manifests it into reality. Picture it and you can have it.

We often hear ‘change your thinking, change your life’…

WHAT IF WE ARE THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE SEXUALLY?

WHAT IF WE ARE FANTASIZING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE WHILE WE SELF PLEASURE?

WHAT IF WE ARE FANTASIZING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE WHILE WE ARE WITH ANOTHER? 

How much of this ‘energy’ thinking is creative?

What happens to that creation we have in our minds and bodies?

If we believe what we think about we create, how does fantasy work? Are you creating the life you desire or are you putting your thinking into a ‘fantasy’. When we put thinking energy into something or someone, we are essentially bringing it to life. Imagine an energy particle and every time you think of that particle it grows gets a little bit stronger, if you are fantasizing about someone and making your connection stronger with them, what happens to your connection to self and to your partner (if that is not whom you are thinking about)?

One of the first questions you could ask is… Do you have permission? Have you asked for consent to fantasize about them? In this instance, we are not talking about an inanimate object, we are talking about a being of feelings, emotions and connection.

Dr. Masaru Emoto conducted water experiments where the water changed its molecules according to the thoughts being sent to it. If you are sending sexual thoughts to someone or bringing them into yours, what are you changing in someone else’s world?

CAN WE FEEL IT?

Most of us have had the feeling of someone is watching us – to turn around and see them, we can feel this from a distance. It feels creepy and eerie, Yes? Without permission having sexual thoughts about someone else – could at the very least be experienced this way.

Let me be clear, if you are playing your fantasies out with consenting adults, role playing, actually physically bringing your desires to reality, you are probably whole heartedly enjoying them. This is a fantastic way to live and embody your sexualness.

What I am talking about is preoccupation in our mental and energetic selves with sexualized thoughts. When we are thinking, projecting, idealising, visualising someone else for our sexual gratification.

We have heard the phrase, where thoughts go energy follows.

When we fantasize, we are taking from someone, they may or may not be aware of it. When you are visualising being with someone, you are essentially bringing it into existence. For some of you, you are thinking… awesome if Chris Helmsworth or Emma Watson turned up at your doorstep, you would be thrilled. Let’s be honest here, so might I (Emma could be a tad young).

What about when we are not fantasizing about celebrities, maybe it is the person in the office, the person on the train or bus, the neighbour, the secret crush you have, the relationship you would like but can’t have, your friend or ex-lover.

WHO ARE YOU CONNECTING TO?

What happens then? What if you are in a relationship or just hooking up with someone and you fantasize about someone else? Even if we just go with “where thoughts go, energy flows” who are you connecting to?

Is it the being with you or is it the imaginary person in your head?

Often, people say to me, I can’t connect when I am being intimate with my partner. I ask them what they are thinking about during sex, there are usually two responses,

  1. Trying to get it right
  2. Someone else.

I have written a lot about ‘trying to get it right’ check out by blog and my book
Paperback https://eroticcoaching.com.au/itsaninsidejob Digital https://gum.co/wwhmZ

There is no amount of ‘trying’ (candles, sexy lingerie, lavish dinners, gifts etc) going to help with connection if you are thinking about someone else. Imagine you have electrical current running through the house, your partner and you decide to make some toast, share in some brea and all you can think about is to plugging in the jug / kettle for a delicious cup of tea (I would be going for the coffee machine) you can taste this cup of tea, you are thinking about the warmth, how you will feel with the cup in your hand bringing it to your lips. How much heat does the toaster make, to provide your hot toast if it is never plugged in.ZERO! If you want to make toast with your partner you will need to plug the toaster in, if you keep plugging the kettle in its place – you still will have no toast.

Is there room for both, potentially not in the same moment. Not if you want to connect with the toaster for your toast, if you are thinking about the kettle and tea you are not fully present.

Imagine if you were with someone and they were thinking about someone else…

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? IS THAT OK?

Have you even been having sex with someone and they don’t feel connected with you? There is a good chance that is because they are thinking about someone else.

How much effort does it take to try and have sex with someone while you are thinking about someone else? Heaps! Has it been very successful?

Fantasies often keep us in our heads, we lose sensation in our bodies, it also becomes an addictive habit, one that we can’t orgasm without it.

A BETTER WAY TO HAVE SEX IS:

Connection

Either with yourself or your Lover. Build the connection, touch, looking (you can use a mirror for solo practice), describing the sensations.

Going slow

The slower you go, potentially the more sensation you will feel, and the body has time to recognise what is happening, send the appropriate receptors and responses. It also assists to stay in the moment and not disappear.

Staying Present

Being in your body, feeling your pelvis, genitals, feet, hands and heart.

Breathing

Keeping your breath deep, which can be difficult during arousal, it will get easier the more you practise.

WHAT IF YOU JUST CAN’T HELP YOURSELF?

The next time you go to fantasize, ask yourself why? What might happen if you stay present with yourself (just you for solo) and your Lover? Might you grow in intimacy, connection and love? This might be what you are really scared of.

You might be running away from something else. Maybe it is an unhappy relationship, unmet sexual desires and needs. Wouldn’t it be better to own that, know that and then make choices from there, instead of hiding in your fantasies?

The body has lots of wisdom. Often when we are trying to stay out of it, there is a reason. Often it is something we don’t want to see, feel or know. When we are courageous to go in and see what it is, the treasure is gold. It may need to be polished to shine but if we are willing to do the work, give the body space to release, heal and develop, the reward is great. The reward is often more love, expansiveness, pleasure, sensitivity and deeper connection with ourselves and those around us.

If you have a strong habit for fantasy, it might take you a little while to build the connection, sensitivity and intimacy with your body and that of your Lover. Over time and practice, it will happen. Developing your capacity will bring you more pleasure, gratitude and connection than you could imagine.

This could probably be said to be very similar to porn. That, I am sure, is another blog. If you would like to get out of your head and into your body – I am here to help. Contact me myola@eroticcoaching.com.au

Award winning Myola Woods, is an Author, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Somatic Sex Educator, International Intimacy Coach.

Myola is a pioneer with courage who bravely speaks about the things that make most of us uncomfortable… Myola will gently lead you out of your comfort zone and into the zone of personal growth and higher self-awareness.

Myola specialises in teaching individuals and couples the art of connection, creating and cultivating the choice of arousal, to deepen intimacy, sensation and pleasure … even if it has been a very long time!

As a Sexual being, mother of 4 teenagers and pleasure enthusiast, Myola appreciates the time constraints, daily and social pressures, that can play havoc on our erotic lives. Myola teaches ways to explore and enhance your love making in everyday life. Using techniques and practices that can turn you, and your life, ON.

Take your intimate life from ordinary to extraordinary! Have the orgasms you have read and dreamed about…YOU deserve them!

So, if you have had enough of mediocre, ready for change and desiring intimacy, connection and arousal, STOP wishing and hoping and START Now! Contact Myola TODAY!. myola@eroticcoaching.com.au 0423 919 270 www.eroticcoaching.com.au

 

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