Whilst you probably think I am going to be all judgmental, come down on you and tell you not to have the affair – that may not be the case.
Although after reading this you might be more informed about why you are thinking about an affair, so making conscious decisions.
Affairs are exciting aren’t they?
What draws us to the affair and what do you clarify as an affair?
What is ok…
- Sexy images
- Intimate messages
- Heart / emotional messages
- Lustful messages
- Intellectual messages
- Deep and meaningful conversations?
There is an old saying
‘You can look at the menu as long as you eat at home’
What do you think about this?
What do you consider an affair? Physical, intellectual, heart, or emotional engagement?
What is sexual energy?
Most of us are not taught about energy and certainly not sexual energy. We might be living with our long term partner and have an interaction with someone at an event. We notice we feel different, something is stirred within us, we feel vibrant, seen, exhilarated, our adrenaline is rushing, oxytocin and dopamine, all our feel good hormones are flowing, we are on a rush.
What do we do with all these feelings, noticings?
We often get confused with ‘this person made me feel this way’ rather than these feelings are in my body and my body feels this way, these are my feelings and noticing them gives me the choice of what to do with them.
You might decide jeez it really is a long time since I noticed I felt this way, what could I do to nurture them in myself?
If you notice them, cultivate them within yourself and then take them home to your partner and spice things up.
How could either of these change your life?
Before you rush off into ‘affair adventure land’, how about asking and considering some of the following:
How is your own connection with your body?
Is it possible this interaction could be showing you where you need some attention, some time to cultivate your own sensuality and self discovery?
What is your current home life?
Is it possible you have let some things slide? Is it possible this interaction is showing you what might be missing and encouraging you to find it and nurture it at home?
What is your current intimate life?
Are you having connection, sex and intimacy? Relationships need all three to thrive. Have you had conversations about what you desire?
Often we have conversations that say, ‘we don’t have enough sex’, ‘you don’t do the dishes’, ‘you never take us out or the initiative’, ‘you spend too much time at work / out / on the TV’ we don’t usually say…
“I desire for us to connect on a really deep level, and yes it scares me too. I desire for us to have intimacy and vulnerability as well as great sex. I desire to grow together, nurture and inspire each other to be the best we can be. “
Because then we have to take responsibility for our desires, instead of making someone else wrong.
One conversation brings us closer together, the other separates and divides.
What conversations are you having? Or need to be having?
Top 8 common reasons people cheat
According to a University of Maryland study, led by professor Dylan Selterman and published in the Journal of Sex Research, which examined people’s self-reported motivations for engaging in infidelity, researchers identified eight common reasons people cheat:
- Anger: seeking revenge for a partner’s betrayal.
- Sexual desire: feeling unsatisfied with the sex in a relationship and wanting to try something new.
- Lack of love: loss of passion or interest in a partner, falling “out of love”.
- Neglect: not receiving enough love, respect and attention.
- Low commitment: one partner is not as committed as the other, or both partners didn’t understand the relationship was exclusive.
- Situation: includes scenarios outside of a person’s normal, such as being intoxicated, on vacation, or under high stress.
- Esteem: seeking to increase self-worth by having sex with multiple partners.
- Variety: wanting to experience sex with as many partners as possible.
Secrets and Lies
When we begin a relationship (of any description) it is full of vigor, surprise and arousal. When it is an affair, which is secret and / or forbidden this simply adds fuel to the already stoked fire.
What if it wasn’t a secret? Would it still be as exciting? Are you rebelling after years of suppression?
Secrets create stuck energy in the body; our secrets, other people’s secrets, they keep us bound. Maybe this is exciting and feels adventurous for you in the beginning, all the adrenalin, the high intensity, being highly vigilant on where, when, what’s on your phone.
Remember the last time you kept a secret for yourself or someone else.
What happened in your body, your mannerisms, did you become closed, sensitive, not wanting to share?
Even if it is a great surprise, secrets can still create a bunch of tension and confusion.
When was the last time you tried to create a secret surprise for a partner, child or colleague and there was all this hush hush, secrecy, hidden phone calls, messages and whisperings. The person the secret surprise was for may feel something is going on and it may not feel so good.
Secret surprises can be fun, loving, caring and beautiful but the underlying energy may also cause angst. So what are the possible effects with affairs?
There are other ways of approaching having interactions with other people whether they are emotional, sexual, or intellectual.
Having a conversation with your partner about what else you might require in your life to thrive could expand your experience.
You never know having these conversations might bring you closer together and it also could give the other person a chance to see what it is that they would like to add to their lives.
Having the conversation and getting clear, behaving in an effective, clean, vulnerable, authentic way creates a different paradigm. It gives possibility for massive expansion and growth, embedded in love.
If everyone knew and was ok about you having sex with someone else – Is that person still attractive? Is the energy still the same?
We can experience extreme sexual energy with someone, but remember it is your energy it had to be there, they didn’t magically create it, the interaction caused you to be present enough so that you could feel it. It is still yours!
Sexual energy is our life force, it can be confusing if we don’t know how to use it? What it is for? How do we cultivate, nurture and expand it? These are questions we have never had the answers to.
When someone stirs them up we imagine what we need to do is go towards them.
Before you try that – GO towards YOURSELF first and see what happens.
What will having an affair cost you?
Try some self inquiry, some soul searching because we think it is easier to go with the shiny new thing than deepen with the old.
When we don’t have the conversations we miss opportunities to go deep into intimacy, vulnerability, connection and love.
Will you take the risk?
What if this is your pattern, you get close and you run away?
Once the shine wears off – you are nowhere to be seen?
It’s too much effort to maintain, keep going, better to start again, fresh, this time it will be different! Are you saying this to yourself?
Some questions to ponder:
Who is the affair for?
What will happen if I am found out?
- My partner / Lover
- Friends and family
Are you able to have a conversation about how you would like your life to be, before jumping into an affair?
We have affairs for many reasons, by reading this you may know yours and have the initial understandings of which way to move forward with consciousness, thriving and self love as your focus.
I would love to hear your stories, thoughts and comments, please email me at email@example.com
Award winning Myola Woods, is an Author, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Somatic Sex Educator, International Intimacy & Relationship Coach.
Myola is a pioneer with courage who bravely speaks about the things that make most of us uncomfortable… Myola will gently lead you out of your comfort zone and into the zone of pleasure, personal growth and higher self awareness.
Myola specialises in teaching individuals and couples the art of connection, creating and cultivating the choice of arousal, to deepen intimacy, sensation and pleasure… even if it has been a very long time!
As a Sexual being, mother of 4 teenagers and pleasure enthusiast, Myola appreciates the time constraints, daily and social pressures, that can play havoc on our erotic lives. Myola teaches ways to explore and enhance your love making in everyday life. Using techniques and practices that can turn you, and your life, ON.
Take your intimate life from ordinary to extraordinary! Have the orgasms you have read and dreamed about….. YOU deserve them!
So, if you have had enough of mediocre, ready for change and desiring intimacy, connection and arousal, STOP wishing and hoping and START Now! Contact Myola TODAY!. firstname.lastname@example.org 0423919270 www.eroticcoaching.com.au